Tuesday, 04 December 2007

• She loves the way that I tease

  Well now, the past two weeks have been interesting. My crazy anorexic-binge-eating thing ended. I eat one meal a day now. It got to the point that I told myself 'If I eat tonight, I can't eat on Thursday.' It's crazy, I know. I want to go back to it. I had dreadful stomach aches, but I was chipper and always had that dizzy feeling that I adore so greatly. Wednesday after school I posted that blog. We got out early for Thanksgiving so I talked to Sonny and edited images before I went to work.

  I love the way that she breathes

  Thursday morning we got up and went to Lexington. We made our rounds about the houses. I ate a piece of ham, turkey, and a biscuit at Mary's. I played with the cats at Alvin and Justine's. Then we went to Ethel's house to visit her. She's not doing so well. After we chatted a while, we left and headed to Darlene's house for lunch. I sat in the kitchen quietly while they finished preparing the meal. I became the official label for all of the food there. Every adult shoved a plate of food under my nose and told me to eat because I'm 'too skinny'. I declined their food and ate a bit of my own. I dozed in the car on the way home. I was tired and cold.

  She can't behave and I'm just a slave

  Friday morning I got up and went to Hot Topic. I bought a pair of pants, two shirts, two CD's, three pairs of panties, and a bottle of nail polish. I ran a few more errands and went home to make Oreo things for Travis's brithday. I had to be at work at five. It wasn't as busy as I thought it would be. After work, I went to Sonny's house to give Travis his oreo things. There were quite a number of people there. Most smoke and-or dank and we all played Apples to Apples. I still was not feeling well and Sonny's antics were not helping. I was far too exhausted to drive home so he and I went to lay down for a while. I dozed for short periods and woke up shaking. I finally gave up and went home.

  Don’t worry I'll be gone when the morning comes

  Saturday I was supposed to join Sorian that evening, but I was not up to it. I felt tragic. I was talking to Sonny when work called and requested that I come in. So I called Sorian and cancelled. I went to work until six thirty at which time I returned home and slept. Sunday I was feeling a bit better so I cleaned, cooked, did laundry, and worked on my homework. Of course I didn't finish the homework though. I made dinner that night. It was quite tasty. Monday I hurriedly finished some assignments before class. After school, I went to the optometrist to get a new prescription and new contact lenses. They gave me this pari that I thought would be grand, but I ended up not likeing them that much. I hurried home and made dinner. Sonny joined BahBah and I; we ate in an awkward silence. Previously [days], BahBah had asked if I was anorexic and needed to go to the doctor to get help. I had told Sonny about it and he got a bit annoyed that my father would say that to me. After dinner, Sonny and I watched Heroes until he left and I went back to my homework.

  The frustration it's a regular thing

  Tuesday after school I had to work. I tried to read some of Hamlet at work, but I was told that I couldn't. After work, I read Act I of Hamlet and fell asleep shortly thereafter. I was awoken by a phone call from Sonny. I didnt' talk to him very long; I took a shower and went to bed. Wendesday after school, I ran home to get my Senior Proofs and then went to the post office to mail a few things. After that, I hurried home and made an eclaire cake to take to Sorian's house for dinner. I went to his house and he presented me with my Christmas gift. It's a gorgeous little rice cooker. I was so excited that I hugged it for a while. He and I made dinner until his mother walked in. He told me to go hug her so I walked over timidly and stood until she looked up at me. She smiled and gave me a hug. I went back to Sorian and we finished our dinner and then went to 7-11. I got him a pack of cigarettes and got myself a Mountain Dew. We chilled in his room and watched comedy for a while. I left and returned home in time to get some work done.

  I hate the ones who love to hate because they're just like me

  Thursday I wore my new Dethklok shirt to school. Few people read it correctly, Pareesa and Kitty said it made my boobs look bigger, and Phillip told me I didn't deserve to wear it. Immediately after school was art club. I helped apply Michelle's cosmetics for the fashion show and Sorian helped with her hair. She looked wonderful when we finished. Unfortunately, I would not be able to make it to the show. At least I got to contribute some. After school was for Kitty. We went down to her work to say goodbye to somebody and stopped at a few places to try and find me a mirror. BahBah called and asked if we wanted to join them at Ming's Dynasty.

  Once you have me you'll always come back

  We finished what we were doing and met them there. I didn't know what I wanted, but BahBah proceeded to order. I sat on the floor with Kitty and discussed it. BahBah got annoyed that I hadn't ordered and I snapped at him. During this time, Kitty made a comment that I looked skinnier and asked if I lost weight. We finally ordered and then we sat and waited for half an hour for our food. I was thoroughly peeved at them. I snapped at BahBah again when he pronounced 'Dethklok' wrong seconds after our conversation about its pronounciation. Kitty and I argued about my mood in the car. We watched Dane Cook that night and I mood improved slightly. I took her home and went to be shortly after returning home.

  I know you love to resist and all it takes is a kiss

  Friday we had a pep rally. Kitty and I sat at the top of the bleachers in our normal seats. Bao was sick and Harrison wasn't there, so it was a bit lonely. Kitty and I made our typical jokes and were altogther bored. After that was over, she joined me at my house. She drew and I made a little bag. I ended up dozing off for a while on the floor. We were supposed to go with Sonny to a movie, but he was busy finishing his room [he and Kevin switched]. She and I went to Mr. Wong's and got take out and returned to my house to watch Saw III. I took her home afterwards because I had to get up early the next morning.

  And you just love to hate me

  Saturday I had to get up early for the SATs. BahBah made me breakfast. I couldnt' decide whether he was being kind and trying to help me do well or whether he was telling me I was too skinny again. I ate most of it and hurriedly left. I found my way down to the school and stopped at a gas station to get a Mountain Dew. I got to the school and found my way inside to the testing room. The test was long and we had a few short breaks so it wasn't unbearable. I talked to Amy during the last break. After the test, I went to my house and talked to Sonny for a while and watched Season's Eatings. I was supposed to work that night, but I had been called yesterday and it got cancelled. It wasn't my shift so I wasn't concerned. I slept for most of the day and then made peppermint cookies. After that I chilled about and went back to sleep. Sonny asked me to go there after work but I wasn't too into the idea at that time. I wasn't feeling too great again. He didn't feel like doing anything, so we stayed where we were.

  You know you love all the lies

  Sunday I had to get up early to get to work by eight o'clock. I had to help with markdowns. It took me a long time. I couldn't find somethings and didn't recognize others. Half of some of the shirts were in the back and I had to go dig them out. I managed though. I got about halfway or two thirds of the way through the list and had been there almost an hour longer than I was supposed to have been when Lisa told me to leave. I did and returned home. I talked to BahBah for a short while then he and I [along with Erik] went to get ingredients for holiday baking. We went to Quizno's for lunch, ran by the Dollar Tree and then to the Walmart. It was really busy, but we managed to get everything [except treat bags]. So I'll have to find those within the next week. Then I can start holiday baking. BahBah said something about getting me the big mixer now to help with it so now I'me extra excited.

  So don’t act surprised

  After we returned home and I finished putting things away and got myself settled again, I called Sonny as he had requested. I was browsing through the internet and talking to him at the same time. He called me back a few times. He wasn't feeling well and called in sick to work but still wanted me to join him. He then got frustrated with me and told me that I needed to be more affectionate and caring towards him. I took it as a personal offense of him telling me to change myself. We had a long and mostly silent argument. I asked what he wanted me to do and he told me to be more affectionate. I told him that I could try and he got annoyed. After many silences, he asked what I had to say and I aplogized for being not being affectionate or caring, but he'd have to learn to cope or move along until I could be more expressive. There were more silences. Towards the end of our conversation, he was fairly angry and told me that if I was mad that I needed to say so. I told him that I was and he asked if it was because he told me how he felt. I said that it wasn't and he asked why. So I told him that I was mad because I felt that he was telling me what to do. Words were exchanged [I don't recall exactly] and he said 'maybe we need to go our separate ways'. I said 'that's fine if that's what you want'. I heard no response and thought I had heard a click, so I hung up.

  That I just love to hate you

  He was online shortly thereafter and sent me a message saying that he was sorry. He said that he thought he overreacted and was regretful. I told him that his frustration was understandable because I'm hardly a tolerable person. He said that he thought we went too fast and wanted us to get to know one another better and then try again. I also told him that I did enjoy his company so we could watch how things progressed and then decide. He also said that I was difficult to deal with, but has doing his best. I told him that I know that I am intolerable and stubborn and that I had accepted it. I told him that I didn't know what he was expecting of me because he had already said that he would have ot be patient and deal with my lack of affection. He told me that he craved affection and found this especially difficult. After while he told me he could think of nothing more to say and that he regretted hanging up the phone.I said that I had nothing more to say and left.

  Darling what is going on?

  I'm quite certain that I'm single at this point. He was on Myspace and neglected to change any of his status information ro his paragraph telling about his grilfriend [me]. So I'm not certain. I was thinking that it was simply a rage thing and it would be better upon Monday, but after the internet conversation, I think that's less feasible. He's a hopeful boy that seems to truly adore me, so perhaps this will be quickly undone. To be honest, I'm fond of him and do enjoy his company. It's just the affection thing that bothers me. I've never been an emotional or affectionate person or one who craves company so often as he [and most others], so this is demanding a lot of me. Now I'm a bit stressed and quite annoyed by the situation. I'm so callous and apathetic that I can't even decide how concerned I am with it. As much as I adore that quality of myself, I often get upset when I don't even feel simple or obvious things. I'm also beginning to think that I truly do have some clinical depression; at least it would explain my mood swings and erratic behaviors and habits.

  Honestly that never happened

  Today is now Tuesday. Monday was a long and boring day in school. After school I went home to get ready to go out. I got online and Danny IMed me and I asked if we were still on for the evening. He and I were supposed to go with Danny downtown to have a walk and a chat and then get coffee before he went to school. Unfortunately his car had a flat tire so he couldn't go. We're rescheduling for later this week. After I went with Danny I was going to go down to Sonny's house. Sonny IMed saying that he knew he fucked up but wanted another chance. He asked how my day was and I told him 'it was fine'. He asked if I was mad at him. I told him that I was still annoyed but it was turning into a feeling of amusement. He apologized for acting as he did. After a while of being silent, he said that he was going nuts and asked me to take him back. At that point we clarified the happenings of the prior evening. It was decided that it was merely an argument that was a bit over zealous.

  Lying is your favorite passion

  After our conversation, I made myself a bowl of fried rice and grabbed a handful of movies to take to Sonny's house. Upon my arrival and parking, I heard a sound at the back of my car. I turned to see a cat walking up the hood of my car. I began to tap on the roof and it walked over to the side and peered in the window at me. I opened the door and it hopped down to me. I picked it up and walked over to the Band Room where Sonny now resides. I told him I wanted to go to a little coffe shop so he obliged and we were on our way. We had to go to the Starbucks in Target though. On the way home I turned too quickly [as I had been doing all evening] and my coffee spilled in my car. We got to his house and he cleaned the floorboard for me. We went and sat in the living room and watched some show about dangerous car chases. We laughed at the buffoons who stole a semi and those who stopped at Stop signs and the like. After that, we watched Heroes. Travis and Kevin hurried home from wrestling [which Sonny had skipped] to watch it. After Heroes went off, I went home.

  Leave me, go where you belong

  

  

  

  

  

  Higher heels and lipstick napkins

  Dying is your latest fashion.

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